word

verbal diorrhea

the feeling you get for assholes who talks non stop,
about things that i couldn't even remotely care about.

things like where they go for vacation,
what their parents do,
how much they earn -

fuck, these people are fucking boring.

annoy me

honey,

i must be honest with you. 

please forgive me that i hadn't had the guts to do this earlier.

truth is, anyone else who talks about buildings, trains, politicians, RMK-10 or everything emotionless and static could easily bore me. there's a reason why i quit reading the news. because other than love and life (and  maybe a bit of food and out-of-wordly things), nothing else interests me much anymore. rock 'n' roll aside, i'm fundamentally a hopeless romantic. surprise surprise.

well, that goes for anyone but you, though...

YOU ARE MY ONLY EXCEPTION.

the yellow note i gave you should remind us both why we're in this together, honey. we love each other for good and for worse, kan?

missing you like hell and currently am not interested to see or do anything until you come back. my only comfort is when i think of your voice, my our room and january.

your sayang

do you understand

tahukah kau, diriku, tak sanggup hidup bila kau jauh dariku?

- tompi, selalu denganmu

p/s: anybody who wished to listen to this song, please leave your comment. would love to spread the love (pain in the arse).

seth & the city

aku mula kenal bandar ni, sejak umur aku 17 tahun. oh mentahnya aku. ingat lagi dulu, kalau aku ke bandar ini - bandar cahaya, yang tak pernah lelap, penuh segala macam aktiviti gelap - aku akan berkomuter saja. berbackpacking sama deuter. bersama, kami akan jelajah kota, dan aku akan selalu teruja dengan orangnya, bangunannya dan segala macam parti yang takkan pernah ada atau sehebat di tempat lain di malaysia ni. and I also remember, how the wind smells and colors of the sky intrigues me. for me, everything is exciting to see in kl, than what I had back in n. sembilan. 

being what i am, a person who constantly seeks freedom and knowledge (and  one who would try anything outrageous and wrong, especially more when somebody told me not to) you can imagine how being born and living in n.sembilan brings great deprivation to me.

so at 17 and raging blood,  i swore to myself that i must conquer the city someday, at any cost. there i was at 17, creating images in my head. all the hopes, dreams and the kind of success i wished achieve once i'm in kl.

10 years after that, of which at least half of those years i resided full time in kl, i found something. something true and important.

that i was wrong. 

now, at 27 and still with a raging blood, i just can't wait to go back home or away from this shitty place. dreams and hopes and all the good stuff can survive and live anywhere. anywhere at all; even in a fucking penitentiary. 

which is why today, i deactivated my fb account and deleted all my past 2,871 yahoomails in hopes to relive life as a new person, yet again.

that's the best part about life - you can't rewind or fast forward it, but you sure can start all over again. 

i've been overhauled. oh yes!

I SHOULD START PUTTING DATES FOR MY ENTRIES.

Penting sebenarnya tarikh ni. Ianya perlu, sebagai bahan bukti dan sebagai pencetus untuk mengingatkan aku tentang semua yang hilang, yang pahit dan yang cantik.

tapi aku tak reti nak undo the settings. a lil' help, please?

from point (a) to pointless

apa korang buat bila kepala serabut?

no, not talking bout hair. i'm talking about the stuff you feel insida ya head. where you feel nothing is right.

i would guess for most, you'd share it with your partner. or your best buddies. your cat. or go facebook. or watch dvd...etc etc.

what if you have none of the options above? by none i mean, your partner and friends are not around, you have no internet connection or laptop or pc that you could connect to, and your dvd player is busted...you get the drill.

what would you do then?

running out of avenues, yesterday, i decided to spent time all on my own. it takes certain guts to do that, really. i walked all the way to klcc. i went to the toilet at 2nd floor, the ones where you have to pay 2 bucks. cleaned myself and look all dolled up. shop a lil' topshop. then i head straight to chillies grill & bar and enjoyed a good 2 hour to myself there, under the dimlight, with chicken crispies, ciggies and a magazine. and not one time did i spent thinking about how to clear the mess in my head.

yet, amazingly today, i feel so much calmer and happier than any other given day.

finally today, i made peace with mr. ignorance.

(L♂Vε) sick

 inspired from here

honey,

this is exactly.. (paused for breaths)

...exactly how i imagined our wedding outfit, venue and photos will be like.

these are exactly it. i'm not kidding. i stumbled upon this link somewhere. i swear, the resemblance between what i had in mind for years and what i saw, is just uncanny.

it's eerie to me knowing another person across oceans out there, had the exact same dreams i'm having.

u wouldn't mind wearing converse and ray bans, would you? ;)

xoxo,
your sayang

ada satu perasaan yang sukar digambarkan tiap kali aku melihat adik aku bermain piano. especially those of rachmaninoff. of course, perasaan kagum tak bole aku selindung. adik aku sudah menjangkau tahap yang bisa membuat mulut aku ternganga. and trust me, not many things or many people who can give me that.

on a different note, there are so many things in my head. some of the unimportant thoughts include:

a) kenapa ramai sangat budak² bawah umur dekat pavilion? kaya sangat diorang ni?

b) after several incidents, i've come to conclude that black men have a thing for me. these damn boobs!

c) somebody please lend me a good book. please. i am knowledge deprived!

d) i've found the perfect mate to kill time stare-gazing at people and judge them - zac!
e) i think it's perfectly normal to sleep or walk around naked.

time to get geared for the lrt! gonna be a long walk home. iPod shuffle, check!

tomorrow

alice smith school performing arts backstage

carpe diem.

now i understand why this latin expression is just so comforting. and it is especially perfect for somebody who's scared for the future as much as i am.

took me half of my age now to get what it really means.

i'm remembering a song now. it says ~i love you more today than yesterday...~

~but not as much as...~

let's not talk about tomorrow yet. 

kan, honey?

this is just, me.

ini otak saya.

otak, adalah sebuah wardrobe.

 pelbagai warna, saiz, bentuk dan ragam.

dan hari ini, aku adalah biru dan hitam.

bought

i've been dreaming of paris eversince i was 10.

paris frame for MYR5@thrift store, wangsa walk

teori law of attraction kata, kalau kita selalu visualise segala angan², satu masa nanti dia jadi nyata. 

aku hanya percaya teori tu, bila situasi memang membenarkan aku miliki apa yang aku mahu.

salah satu mimpi yang nyata. 

oxford shoe yg dah berbulan aku cari, muncul akhirnya 

for a price lesser than expected. 

also found @ wangsa walk

tapi bila aku dah jatuh tersungkur mencuba, dan kosmik tak mahu beri peluang, aku rasa teori di atas could probably just be some words, uttered by someone who wants to look like smart ass.

 

yup.the interview next tuesday, yang aku dah amik cuti tu, is not happening.

but does that mean i should stop trying? aku mahu stop. tapi bila aku nak stop je, harapan datang semula.

 dalam 473 applications, aku antara 15 yang under consideration?

i consider that as hope.

with caution.

so tell me, macam mana aku tak separuh gila dengan hidup?

tak 'beyst'

saya tidak suka perasaan ini. sekarang ini. berat hati. kecewa. dan malu. and just waiting for something that never happens.

si.boolat

3:35PM

@ office on a sunday

of pavlova & macarons

i want it both. i want it now!

 
akibat cravings dan nafsu serakah aku yang maha kuat untuk desserts, maka aku telah melakukan yang berikut hari ni:

macarons photo copied from syazman's fb

a) make a date with sis lee, tonight @ delicious, just so i can have that gorgeous pavlova.

b) confirmed order with syazman for 2 dozens of macarons. a dozen of strawberry flavor in blue and another dozen of vanilla flavor in pink. but this one, i'll only get it next thursday.

baru puas hati aku!

the rural intelligence of pavlova 
photo copied from here

undone

orang bijak juga, layak buat kesilapan. orang yang jujur hanya menanti masa sebelum dia tertipu dan menipu. dan yang orang yang baik pula, tak selamanya bersih.

hidup akan carik pasal dengan kau no matter what. hidup akan paksa kau untuk buat kesilapan.

itu tadahal.

soal pokoknya ialah, can you live with yourself with what you've done?

realiti memang seorang pendengki. tak tipu.

verbatim

im just saying, kalau dia tak bagi aku second chance atas kesilapan aku, then i guess... 

aku akan carik chances aku, somewhere else.
 

quote unquote.

palindromes

ada sesetengah perkara, kau buat macam mana sekalipun dia akan tetap jadi benda yang sama.

contohnya perkataan MADAM. Spelled backwards, it's still MADAM.

but other things in life, can change how you operate and everything that you believe is true.

words like LIVE, can simply turns into EVIL.

hantu

aku dah tak lagi takut dengan segala cerita hantu aku dengar. 

aku juga dah tak lagi membaca newspaper or anything that made news.

aku tak lagi beriya memecah lemak di gym.

aku tak lagi menonton dvd.

aku quit memasak.

aku tak lagi membaca buku² or graphic² novel yang bijak dan cantek.

aku dah lama tak memandang birunya langit.

aku tak lagi jejakkan kaki ke mana² gig.

aku jarang² mendengar lagu² khayal itu.

aku tak perlu itu semua.

sebab akulah segalanya yang menakutkan, meriangkan, memecahkan, menghampakan, melazatkan, memandaikan, mencantikkan, melengkapkan, menghancurkan, menipukan hidup aku sendiri.

and there's no amount of hobbies, advices, motivation or therapy that can bring me back to where i was. you just have to accept that i'm a different soul now.

dilarang melarang

jumpa hunter jam 12.36 tadi. aku sedikit lewat. hunter sudah menunggu di cafe logo hijau tu. baju hunter tu juga hijau. she was tall, fierce. and there i was - late, messy and most of all, fat. aku kisah apa? first impression is only named first impression because it's not meant to be the impression. jadi, aku perbetulkan identiti yang sudah sedikit tercalar. putar otak hunter, bikin impression baru. i said hi. gathered myself and turned to my alter ego, de' luna maurice. aku duduk dengan dada rapat ke meja. you know, to show that i'm interested (in what she has to say). she asked if i wanted coffee. i refused gently. then we went straight to business. i can convincingly say she liked me a lot. i could be wrong. but i don't think so. though few times i caught myself using the word employee when what i really meant was employer. i think she noticed but she tried to make herself believed something else. heh. idiot. but whatever it is, next tuesday, dia kata dia nak set interview aku with the big C. aku akan bercuti hari itu and harapnya...

well harapnya, impian aku untuk menaikkan tangga gaji aku ke kelompok yang lebih tinggi  sebelum petak umur aku beralih ke no 28, termakbul. 

god, help me. the pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me. so why can't you forgive me?