Good Stuff # (Lost Count) - Regained Respect that I Deserved from Sorry Assholes.

 A stranger caught in kurung, converse shoes & a guitar on her hands 
@ INTEC, Shah Alam.

Ini yang aku pasti tentang hidup:

Kalau kau ada satu kebenaran tentang siapa kau sebenarnya, berdirilah di situ.


Sama ada kau diam dan ignore faktor² yang boleh buat diri kau mati, atau kau lawan. Itu saja dua option yang kau ada untuk survive dalam dunia ni. Kalau kau nak mati pun, lebih baiklah mati berlawan menegakkan diri kau daripada kau biarkan faktor² ni makan harga diri dan buat kau lupa tentang kenapa kau percaya dengan diri kau, in the first place.

Hari ini, aku dah berjaya buktikan yang orang yang benar akan kekal menang akhir nanti.  

Allow me to repeat myself - Orang yang genuine, true dan yang percaya pada dirinya, akan kekal menang. No matter what. 



This entry is dedicated to Shot, 'Honey', F, Sara, Bets & J - The ones yang berdiri tegak bersama aku, no matter what.

The Deductibles

If you can't get to where you wanted in life, buy icon.

Majalah ni buat aku rasa, hidup mungkin tak boleh buat aku dapat apa yang aku mahu. Tapi, imaginasi boleh bawa aku ke sana dan lebih lagi.

It's only 10 bucks and tax deductible!

The Day God Suicide My Sunday

Memories from the climax scene in the movie 'Sylvia' appeared in my head vividly as I'm writing this. 

For so long I couldn't help but wonder, why?

What drives human to be so numb to fear and pain that suicide becomes just another verb? 

I have only one answer to that - passion. It takes the same amount of passion to love, for human to commit suicide. They didn't put the word 'commit' for nothing if it does not involve a fair amount of passion in it. Plath, killed herself because she really wanted to. She had really meant to die.

So was this Aunty.

Last Sunday morning, as I was about to have breakfast at the fifth floor of my condo , God decided to give me an experience like never before - a middle aged woman, dead from suicide. There, her body curled to the left, while thickening blood flowed through rails of the tiles. Nobody was around her until only few hours after. At that moment, with the swarming goosebumps on my neck, I learned that the most authentic thing about a human is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and.. be greater than our suffering.

But then again still, this isn't a happy story. If you asked me, I am convinced that the thoughts which flipped through her head - whether a month, few hours, or few seconds before she jumped off from the 15th floor - it can't be a happy one. And it's devastating to me just knowing how alone she must have felt then. I bet, every suicide victim wants somebody to pull their hands off that bridge, or window pane, or that balcony, and just save them.  

When I saw that body there with nobody around her, I just felt like I had to ran up to my home, get the camera, rush back down and give you this.

All photos are taken by myself during the incident out of ..I don't know what. Those with photo epilepsy, I would recommend you NOT TO BROWSE further.

Just few hours after the incident took place - the bloody area was again spick and span, like nothing controversial happened. I also checked out the newspaper for any glimpse of news anywhere, on this. Nada.

O bla di, o bla da, life goes on. 

But my head didn't.

We couldn't imagine the emptiness of a creature who put a razor to her wrists and opened her veins, the emptiness and the calm.
'The Virgin Suicides' by Jeffrey Eugenides  


Lighter by Syazleen all the way from Dublin
Photo by si.boolat 
If you have ever watched 'Magnolia' the movie, then you would have been familiar with the one scene in it that intrigues me:

Claudia Wilson Gator: I'm really nervous that you're gonna hate me soon. You're gonna find stuff out about me and you're gonna hate me.
Jim Kurring: No. Like what? What do you mean?
Claudia Wilson Gator: You have so much - so many good things. And you seem so together. You're a police officer and you seem so straight and put together - without any problems.
Jim Kurring: I lost my gun today.
Claudia Wilson Gator: What?
Jim Kurring: I lost my gun today when I left you and I'm the laughingstock of a lot of people. I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know and it's on my mind. And it makes me look like a fool. And I feel like a fool. And you asked that we should say things - that we should say what we're thinking and not lie about things. Well, I can tell you that, this, that I lost my gun today - and I am not a good cop. And I'm looked down at. And I know that. And I'm scared that once you find that out you may not like me.
Claudia Wilson Gator: Jim. That, that was so...
Jim Kurring: I'm sorry.
Claudia Wilson Gator: - great. What you just said.

I can't help but wonder...
Can human really really tell everything - all their fears and weaknesses - to another and expect them to stay?
Is that fair?
Or is it unfair for the other to leave?
I don't know.
I just don't think human heart can handle this kind of pain.

But would you stay? 
Would you??

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