Dua Kategori

“Ada dua jenis manusia kat dunia ni” dia memulakan bicara. “Dan dalam setiap jenis manusia tu pula, ada lagi dua jenis. Contohnya, kalau somebody sayang someone, ada dua sebab. Pertama sayang sebab duit. Kedua sayang sebab dia betul-betul sayang. Kalau kahwin pulak, sebab pertama mungkin kene paksa. Or kedua, sebab dia memang nak kahwin. Macam tu lah”. Yup. Welcome to real life, boss. Where choices spoils and can really makes you sick to your bones.

LETTER TO GOD

PELANGI JLN BKT KERAMAT

TUHAN, KALAU AKU SEMBAHYANG LIMA WAKTU, KALAU AKU BERHENTI MENGHIRUP NIKOTIN, KALAU AKU TINGGALKAN ZINA, KALAU AKU TIDAK LAGI MENEGUK AIR BASI, KALAU AKU MOHON AMPUN DARI SEMUA MAKHLUK YANG PERNAH AKU SAKITI HATINYA, KALAU AKU CAMPAKKAN NAFSUKU KE LAUT DAN HANYA TUNDUK DAN SUJUD PADAMU TUHAN... AKANKAH KAU TEMUKAN AKU DENGAN CINTA? AKU RAGU, KERNA... AKU PERNAH MELAKUKAN, MENUNAIKAN, MENJALANKAN, MEMPRAKTIKKAN KESEMUA DI ATAS DAN CINTA TINGGALKAN AKU. LALU AKU HARUS BAGAIMANA LAGI? YOURS, si.boolat.

AKU BUKAN COMEDIAN

HELPLESS.

AKU BENAR² RASAKAN ITU KALA INI - TERKUNCI DI LUAR RUMAH. SENDIRI. SETELAH LELAH SATU HARI SUNTUK MENCARI WANG UNTUK MENGEKALKAN GAYA HIDUP AKU YANG TAK TERKAWAL. DAN SEMUA HOUSEMATES PULA, SAMADA SUDAH TIDUR ATAU KELUAR MENIKMATI HIDUP. AKU DERINGKAN LONCENG PINTU SAMPAI JARI AKU BERDARAH. AKU GUNAKAN TEKNOLOGI TELEKOMUNIKASI TERKINI UNTUK BERHUBUNG. TAPI AKU TAHU, SAAT ITU, TAK SATU PUN YANG AKAN SANGGUP KORBANKAN TIDUR MEREKA, ATAU PUN MASA SANTAI MEREKA UNTUK DATANG MENYELAMATKAN AKU. SEBAB MEREKA BERHAK. PERKARA SEKECIL INIPUN, SEBENARNYA, SANGAT MAMPU UNTUK MEMBUAT HATI RAPUH AKU INI, PECAH. TUHAN, KAU MEMANG MAHA SEGALANYA DAN KAU JUGA SESUATU YANG HILARIOUS PADA AKU. DAN AKU HANYA MAHU KAU TAHU... YANG AKU AKAN TERTAWA PADA LAWAK JENAKAMU TETAPI TIDAK AKAN SAMA SEKALI MENGIBARKAN BENDERA PUTIH DAN TUNDUK PADA INI SEMUA. BOOHOO!

DEEP

PUTAR MASA

PERBETULKAN MASA LALU

AKANKAH HIDUP TAMBAH BEDA?

SEMULIA ITUKAH MASA?

ATAU MASA MAKIN KEJAM?

KALAU AKU PUTAR MASA

DAN PERBETULKAN MASA LAMPAU

ADAKAH TAKDIR AKHIRNYA MEMBERI BELAS?

PILIHAN HIDUP INI MEMBELIT

DAN YANG PASTI...

AKU TERJERAT DAN HAMPIR MATI DI TENGAHNYA.

holy coitus

out of nothing at all making love!~ remember that hideous song? well, I think Air Supply created that song for me, lastnight, and the other night. Hmm.

Dear F,

This is a tough letter to write. But I’ll give it a shot and I secretly hope this is worth it. From the very first time we met, I just knew we’d clicked. It was at that luncheon, between your management trainee batch, and mine where you approached each and everyone of us newbies and introduce yourself as ‘Hi, I’m Fxxxxxx’. At that point we weren’t establishing any communication. At least not memorable ones. Until one time, we decided to hang out. You were speaking about your past loves, and I was listening. It was at this moment that I realised we were redefining our friendships. Time moves like it always do and we entered into an arena named comfort. One time you hang out at my house. Then I hang out at yours too. It got so comfortable that the next thing I know, I was officially your housemate. It wasn’t easy moving into a whole new environment, but then there’s you, which I thought will help ease the transition, and you did. But life’s weird and twisted. You wish for the stars and you get shit. That’s just god’s way, I guess, to tell us that we learn nothing at all when we got it easy. Sometimes…sometimes when you want something so bad, you just had to put a fight. Like one time, I wanted to have a graphic novel that is to die for. I almost did die because of it. But I got it. I owned it. After long nights and days of not eating, of tears and struggle that seems so endless. And it was all worth it. There’s no word to describe that feeling in time, really. Our friendship is the same, F. I am sorry that things turns out messy when all I want is for us both to have a midpoint where we would both win. I am sorry I did what I did. I am sorry to make you feel what you feel. I am sorry that I had to put up a fight, like this. I don’t regret what happened, though. Because the thing with life is, it’s just like the concept of sound and light – where light travels faster than sound. Maybe consequences or fate approached us first in present, because we ought to find the reasoning later in our life. And the two, will always find each other no matter how far apart they were. So here I am, writing in this shit space, thinking that perhaps this is just one of those things that you had to pass by before you can finally know the reason. But, I wouldn’t want to just past by this phase. I at least want to go through this phase knowing that I’ve tried to make things better. And if I didn’t make it through, I’ll destroy all evidence, continue walking the road less traveled and hold on to the only thing I have left – myself.

Thanks for stopping by in my life. It was nice.

So long buddy.

si.boolat.

love & beauty's wiles IV

BLANKET (excerpts) by Craigory Thompson

Narrator: Ian, bawa aku keluar dari sini untuk mengorbit duniamu. Bawa aku jauh ke Paris sana untuk aku bolos ke dalam hati kau semula. Genggam tangan ini dan tarik ke dalam rangkulanmu. Biar dunia ini bingar dengan segala macam kekusutannya tapi kita, kita biar begini. Narrator: Ian, don’t leave. Flash. Soundtrack playing: ['A Waltz for A Night' by Julie Delpy] Let me sing you a waltz~ Out of nowhere, out of my thoughts~ (Hujan. Aku berlari mengejar. Dengan hoodie di kepala, lekas aku melangkah masuk ke dalam keretanya) Dia: Cantik rambut you. Aku: (Senyum kecil. Pandangan tepat ke matanya) Dia: So? Aku: Soo? Dia: Where are we heading, love? Aku: You can bring me to Iceland and I don’t care. Cos right now, nothing else matters but you. Dia: You sure? Aku: I’m drunk, can’t you tell?

Dia: Well, you've got to be the cutest most gorgeous drunken person I've ever known. Flash. (Teary eyed) Narrator: Everybody leaves, somebody told me.

love & beauty's wiles III

Narrator: It ends tonight. All this rampaging feelings. All this thinking. I’m not moving along, but I’m moving on. Past, you can go to hell. Present you can go to hell too, sometimes. Future, give it to me. The game is on. Flash. (Year 2006. Staring at photos on my wall. Taking it all out. Put in a big plastic bag. Take out DVDs, VCDs, and every memoirs of him. Put in a big fuckin’ plastic bag) SMS Aku: Beb, tomorrow. Bkt Beruang. Aku nak bakar semua barang-barang yang dia bagi aku. A: Oh? Okay. Aku: Yeah. Burn baby, burn. ..................................................................................................... Narrator: Aku dah tak tahu hari ni hari apa. Yang aku tau, aku dah bosan mempertahankan diri dan bosan dipermainkan orang. Bila pertahankan hak, orang kata kau cold, tak berperasaan. Bila kau biarkan orang lain jadi berkuasa ke atas engkau, kau di katakan push over. Dan dalam keadaan yang begitu, what the fuck are you supposed to do? Cari lelaki yang sanggup untuk mempertahankan diri kau dan segala yang kau percaya? Come on, this isn’t Disneyland's Fairy Fuckin’ Tales!

Narrator: Life, sometimes, desensitizes you. Love, please come back.

love & beauty's wiles II

Soundtrack Playing: ['Anyone Else But You' by The Moldy Peaches] We sure are cute for two ugly people~ (Current time. Driving on a highway. Wee hours. Puffing fags.Thousand yards stare. Glaring road lights. ) Narrator: He doesn’t have the greatest body in the world. His straight hair always goes sideways and pointing to every other direction. His tan skin showed some scars in some places. His eyes exude weariness. He smells like spices of summer. He listens to old school punkrock. He talks with no charisma but with ideas that shuts my mouth, everytime. He touches like an angle. No, there’s nothing good bout’ that at all.

He is only the greatest, most mesmerizing creature, I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I just wanna get this picture out of my head. Please, get the fuck out.

(Next Scene: love & beauty's wiles III)

love & beauty's wiles

Narrator: Ada satu kegilaan yang sedang berkeliaran di dalam hidup aku sekarang. Narrator: Gila. ..................................................................................... (Badan terdampar dan mata menghadap siling. Bilik kosong berhamparan biru. Pilot Speed ’Alright’ berkumandang. Asap rokok menari-nari di udara. ) Flash. (Di dalam kereta si H, mengharungi perjalanan ke satu tempat sekitar Melawati, terlihat kelibat seseorang yang - umumnya menggelar golongan ini sebagai ‘orang gila’, tetapi aku gelarkan golongan ini ‘self-absorbed’- Mata aku dan H memandang subjek yang sama. Di passenger’s seat, aku curahkan persoalan yang sudah berlegar di kepala untuk beberapa jenak kepada si H:) Aku: Babe…how do you think these people got so crazy? H: I can’t say I know how. But I do know they are swirling deep in their own world and never wanna come out, ever. Aku: (Diam) H: I think all of us are crazy in some ways. We just don’t go walking barefoot, picking garbage and still bathe, that’s all. Aku: (Masih terdiam) Flash.

.................................................................................. Narrator: Aku takkan lupakan conversation tu walaupun aku sudah banyak melupakan si H. Sudah hampir 1 tahun kami tak berhubungan, atas alasan yang aku tak pasti apa. Sebetulnya, aku sudah lama gila. Kadangkala, aku seolah tidak mahu bangun dari tidur akibat terlampau takut menghadapi realiti. Takut berdepan dengan hari-hari aku yang aku rasa semakin lama semakin hilang nilainya. Aku juga takut untuk menghadiri kebanyakan majlis perkahwinan teman-teman akibat anxiety attack terhadap masa depan aku, yang aku terlampau tidak tahu untuk dikongsi dengan siapa. Aku juga pernah lakukan sesuatu di masa lalu (atau mungkin juga kini) yang aku pasti karmanya akan datang untuk memberi come back yang dahsyat. Aku takut. Soundtrack Playing: ['Alright' by Pilot Speed] Tonight I lack the strength to even move ~ Narrator: Tapi, dalam ketakutan dan kegelapan ini, aku terlihat satu cahaya. Satu, bintang terang. Flash. ..................................................................................... (Perbualan telefon, bersama Dia, 3 tahun lepas yang terasa seperti 100 tahun. Aku duduk menghadap balkoni, with thousand litres of tears.) Dia: What do you feel about me, after I left? Aku: (Diam) Dia: (Diam) Aku: You pernah tak…terjaga dari tidur yang lena gila, sebab you rasa macam nak terjatuh dari tempat yang sangat tinggi? Or mimpi you ada dekat satu tempat tapi tak ada orang langsung dekat situ? Dia: Pernah (Suara lemah) Aku: There. Itu perasaan I bila you blah. Terkejut dan sangat takut dan terlampau sunyi. Still is, by the way. But what do you care? Flash.

(Next Scene: love & beauty's wiles II )

vanishing act.

aku mati, dan hidup kembali.. selepas menikmati burger daging yang gemuk, semalam. for Inspector Crusoe & Couple Teh Ais - I thank you.

Ada satu perasaan yang terlampau lucu dan merisaukan bila:

Housemate aku yang baru berpindah, bangun dari tidurnya, di dalam brief boxer-nya yang mencengkam er.., sambil berkata:

“Pagi-pagi lagi dah tegang"

I can't help but have a stare at 'it' and hold my breath. You must understand that my mornings is not usually greeted with much,mmm,shall I say personal display? But no biggie. Ke-tegangan bukan masalah bagi aku. Everything's looking up on Friday! :)

'I think she's very photogenic' kata Si Dia

Dalam hati aku membantah: 'Itu bukan fotogenik. Itu fotogediks.'

'kalau benar keadilan itu ada..' tanya hati itu lagi,

'kenapa terlalu sedikit takdir yang menyebelahinya?'

days in passing with every passing day

`At my office, there is this Uncle who delivers newspapers and magazines that my department subscribes to. For every morning of every day. Apart from blogging and gathering non-work related ideas, I am in real life; responsible for anything related to events, A&P, Media & Public Relations. That also means reading a lot of those papers and mags to keep myself - as my boss would say - ‘in the loop’ on what’s up and about. That’s fine though because I happened to love anything that requires my mouth to keep its cool, my eyes to focus and leave only my mind to speak. Back to the Uncle - For every morning of every day since Jan 2008, the same old Uncle would come near my workstation, stash the papers and magazines like a boomerang to my table, and without a word he would disappear into the thin air. That happens every time I turn my head, since Jan 2008.

In all of the stashed magazines, I’d rather read the TIME, more so than others. I don’t care if The Economist is the best mag in the world. I don’t care if my boss told me The Financial Times has superb layouts and writers. I could not care less about our local newspapers either. You can burn it all and fart on it. Unlike those, the TIME is perfect for me because it usually contains all the right articles, all said at the right moments. My first encounter - One time, for the longest time, I felt so in despair that I withdrew myself from any religion or spiritual beliefs. Then I came across a heading in the TIME that read - How Faith Can Heal. I'm still in despair, but that article came knocking my head real hard and I almost prayed again (at that instant). In another scenario, I had one of the worst hangovers. I blamed Bombay Sapphire. The next day at work, the first page of the TIME featured an article on what else but hangovers! And then there’s here and now. Where my heart is never more gloomy and my mind is never more skeptic. No thanks to a certain John Doe that breaks my fucking heart into million little fucking pieces. Okay, so you can pretty much guess where I'm getting at now.

This article appeared in April 6, 2009 issue of the TIME. The heading says: ‘A Primer for Pessimists. – Yes, you can learn to see every silver lining – and be happier – even if you’re a born cynic’ by Alice Park. Bah! Talk about perfect timing eh? And oh hell yes, I do take those as signs cos’ I’m a sucker for hope. Read further: In the article, Park mentioned something about how to Be an Optimalist. Different than optimistic, optimalist is not those who believe everything happens for the best, but those who make the best of things that happen. That got me hooked. So I continued to read on. Accept Pain and Sadness…Martin Seligman, clinical psychologist at University of Pennsylvania…bla bla bla… “I thought I would get a happy person. But I never did. What I got was an empty person”….bla bla bla…The idea is to teach patients to strengthen their strengths rather than simply improve their weaknesses… badabing badaboom …“It’s not enough to clear away the weeds and underbrush..."If you want roses, you have to plant a rose”. Don’t stop yet. Smile in Your Profile Picture…Christakis and his colleague James Fowler at the University of California are now studying happiness contagion in Facebook…bla bla bla… They noticed that people who smiled in their Facebook profile pictures tended to have other friends who smiled….bla bla bla…Only about 25% of a person’s optimism may be hardwired in his genes, according to some studies…bla bla bla…Pessimistic students who took a 12-week optimism-training course devised by Seligman – which included exercises like writing a letter of gratitude then reading it aloud to someone-were less likely to visit the student health center for illnesses during the next four years than their similarly pessimistic peers who weren’t tutored in positive thinking. They concluded: The thing about being optimistic, though, is that it takes hard work-and that’s a drag. It’s an active process, say psychologists, through which you force yourself to see your life a certain way. Indeed, the leading optimism and happiness experts consider themselves born pessimists. But if they have learned over time and with lots of practice to become more hopeful, take heart. So can you.

My conclusion?

What said in the article is not necessarily unknown to many. I’ve heard it all. Accept the Facebook part. But here’s what's good about reading it: First, the only cure to this mental sickness is companionship and knowing that we are all in this together provides a good comfort. Lastly, life's not that bad…I think. It just felt bad cos’ we are in living in it.

"Everything looks perfect from far away" so Samuel Beam said.

So suck it all up and live, ungrateful people.

hoover fixer sucker black broken heart

When your heart is black and broken… You’ll get back from work on a working day, fell asleep, woke up past midnight and thinking ‘Fuck, I’m late for work’, on a non working day. You’d say stuff like ‘Excuse me, I gotta cough’ but you sneezed instead. When you’re alone at some café in the middle of the crowd, you’ll pretend talking on your handphones. You’ll open a journal and hold a pen like you have something meaningful or smart to write, but nothing comes out and you ended up closing the journal and go to sleep. You feel like drinking water but you open up a ketchup bottle. You said ‘turn right’ to the one who’s driving you but your hand pointing left. Creepy sial.