of revolution and dissapointment

aku tak suka pasu bunga mahupun bunga.

tapi aku suka bunga lavender dan pasu IKEA ni.

Berkobar. Biar malam itu pekat, biar hujan, aku redah. Asalkan, aku dapat baring di tilam mengadap sesuatu yang aku taksub. Ah, tiap detik terasa terlalu mendebarkan. Accelerate the engine and GO! Bila tiba, grill pintu sudah sedia ternganga. Dia ada di rumah, fikir aku. Tapi entah kenapa mata aku pantas nak melihat ke bawah. Nah! Kasut ballet flats dan skater shoes yang tak pernah aku lihat sebelum ni sedia terpampang di lantai. Erghh! Perlahan aja aku kangkangkan pintu itu. Peliknya, suasana di sekitar sunyi, sebelum aku mendengar salakan si F: "Madzrina!" Dan aku lihat tiga kelibat manusia dan satu di antaranya bakal menghuni condo aku dan F tak lama lagi. Damn guests. But he turns out to be a cool guy though. Dia tak merokok, tak pulak straight edge but at least he laughs when I make jokes. And his girlfriend speaks the Thai language. We ended up having supper together, laughing like hyenas all the way. Happy bunch they were. And it was all good for me. After several weeks of being uninspired by my surrounding, I would think that a good laugh is in order. Except for one thing. Aku ke rumah itu untuk menonton Revolutionary Road, satu movie yang bergenrekan tema berat yang aku sangat taksub. Malam semalam sepatutnya milik aku seorang tanpa gangguan² manusia lain. I’ve made it clear to F that I want to be alone watching DVD lying on the mattress under the air conditioner at the hall like a big fat burrito. And yet, fate just had to butt its way and bring those guests in. There goes my wishful night alone. I’d already thought of back up plans. I thought it would be smart to just take the DVD home to my other house at The Hill and watch it there instead. I could almost imagine the thrill of being alone and finally watching the DVD. Tiba je di rumah atas bukit tu, aku campakkan beg ke tilam. Rabakkan zip. Genggam erat kotak Revolutionary Road dengan tangan dipenuhi goosepimples. Aku bukak kotak dan…. Aku terasa betapa pandainya aku. Let us backtrack, shall we. I remembered while talking to the new housemate, I actually did insert the DVD into the player. I also remembered not ejecting the disc out before we go out to supper for me to bring it home. Yeah. Malam semalam, instead of being alone watching DVD lying on the mattress under the air conditioner at the hall like a big fat burrito, I ended up having supper with strangers, laughing like hyenas and brought empty DVD case home. Bloody hell.

UNINSPIRED & HUNGRY.

FATAL COMBINATION.

aku manusia lemah yang kompleks

Aku selalu fikir yang aku seorang manusia kompleks. Aku dikelilingi dengan perkara-perkara yang menjerumus kepada kompleksiti. Situasi dan takdir aku juga kebanyakannya melalui jalan yang rumit dan tidak selalu straight forward. Koleksi DVD aku pula tidak sahih kalau tidak berunsurkan plot-plot yang memeningkan kepala dan menyesakkan dada. Lagu-lagu aku juga selalu bermotifkan penyampaian gaya avant-garde pada aku, dan sering terselit emosi-emosi berat dan bahaya. Pemilihan warna pakaian aku sangat cenderung kepada tona-tona gelap yang misterius. Kasut aku (selain kasut kerja) juga berkriteriakan kompleksiti yang aku ciptakan sendiri. Misalnya gladiator sandal yang aku sarungkan sekarang ini, warnanya terlalu merah dan finishing-nya terlalu ganas, mungkin, tapi aku beli juga sebab aku sukakan kompleksiti minda yang mencipta sandal itu, apart from the fact that it looks hawt semestinya. So...hujung miggu lalu, ketika dunia sibuk dengan inisiatif menyelamatkan bumi dengan menggelapkan segala yang bercahaya, aku juga tidak kurang sibuk. Cuma aku tidak memadamkan apa-apa lampu pun, selain lampu kereta aku setelah ia berhenti. Bagi aku dan 4 teman lagi, ada satu rasa ketenangan melihat manusia lain memadamkan lampu mereka, dari atas bukit nun di Taman Kencana. Dominoes pizza dan sebotol liker murah pula melengkapkan momen itu yang pada aku sangat perfect. The best part was, there’s nothing complicated about that at all. Saat itu juga, barulah aku sedar yang in the end of my day, all I need is something simple, pure and uncorrupted to make my life better. Just like watching my mom cooks dinner or lunching with my Dad while he talks about how I was as a kid. Just like looking at my nephew’s photo, when he first opens his eyes to the world around him. Just like those days when we send letters instead of emails. Just like smoking weed with my junky-buddy while watching Tom & Jerry. Just like watching the rain pours from the balcony. Just like on a Sunday watching Melodi on TV3. Just like, way back when, He would send sms that said “I’ll call you when you got home” and He did call. Tapi benda yang simple tu jugalah benda yang aku dah cari sejak bertahun kebelakangan ini. Jumpa, tapi jarang dan hanya bertahan seketika. Lepas tu, hidup kembali berbelit, melemaskan dan bergelut. Hmm. Ya, aku tidak se-kompleks yang aku atau sesiapa pun sangkakan. Aku bukan kompleks membeli-belah. Shit, aku tak tahu aku ni apa sebenarnya. But who cares? I'm invinsible and I don't exist.

do not cross this borderline

It’s weird how I can feel so close to something. Be inspired and feel absolutely amazed by it all…and yet still feel so detached with my surroundings. Like last night. I looked at my row of books. I chose and opened up Jack Kerouac’s, placed it face down right in front of and then took out a ciggie. While I had a fag, I stared at the cover where a fat cat rested on Jack’s arms…For a good two hour. My mom told me she’s been calling my name several times for dinner, and that my phone rang like it could break glasses. I didn’t hear a thing. Not a frequency of sound. I didn’t feel bored either by staring at the book cover. Nada. Today I asked my buddy for a shrink’s contact number. I think I’m really sick and apparently, borderline deaf. Kacau sial!!

HARD TO BE FUNNY WHEN IT'S NOT FUNNY.

A Sparkle of Light to Restore My (Damaged) Faith.

Big day today. Tentatively 4 hours from now, a new life will be born. If the Doctor was right, I’ll see a boy. Doesn’t matter how it looks like, cos’ as at now, I only care about how it must have felt like to really surrender everything you had, for the name of Love. Heck, I just wanna be there to witness it all. That idea alone, would make me whole. And I’ll bet you on my finger - when I see that verve of life, my head will sing: Is your favorite color blue? Do you always tell the truth? Do you believe in outer space? Now I’m learning you. And if you don’t mind can you tell me all your hopes and dreams and fears and everything that you believe in? Thank lord for Yuna. Thank lord for newborn. Thank lord I’m not as drunk as F, today.

(pun intended)

Backpacking Around Europe

Someday I will

without you.

I'll send you postcards from every place I go

without you (knowing).

Someday I'll die

and somebody will keep those postcards

and you'll find it in a pink-ribbon box somewhere.

I could only hope then

that you'll wish to turn back time

to go backpacking around Europe with me

and I'll die happy.

ABSENT

I’m so far away right now. I’m so off and out of my present. People were telling stories that matters to them and I can’t remember shit what they said. I held a book and glued to the same page and the same line that I’ve been reading for the past 20. At work I got to my PC and open up my work which due will only be days and yet here I am writing for my blog. Can’t seem to focus on anything except succumbing to my own head. Yesterday for instance. In the cab back from work. My sight penetrates through its windows. As The Album Leaf’s ‘Window’ was playing repeatedly through my earphones, I was drowned in emotions. That long and sharp pull of strings by Jimmy La Valle, repeated in different keys. Then I realized my senses amplified. I picked up everything I saw. A lady trying to stop the cab that hardly stops, while her husband trying to take care of their kid. A yellow bird made its landing on a tree. Tilted my head up and I saw the sky spreads in blue and purple hues. A curious cat playing by itself. A dapper old man waited at a bus stop, alone with his bags. Lamp post brightened the streets in yellow, leaving an ambience so daunting…and myself, thinking about all of this, in my own head like a movie. And I can't help but thinking how they all looked so alone. So singular. So detached. So apart. So distant. So left out. Living life in passing, like me. Making their own movie with their own soundtracks, like me. Just trying to get pass the day, hoping it’ll be better someday. LIKE ME. What Went On Before I Post This Entry: Soundtrack:

Yuna – Deeper Conversations (wishing “Yuna, I wanna see you and pour my heart out”) Freeze Frame:

Back of his head Open Window:

Webmessenger > Offline message > He said “ai, weed girl” (regretting “Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why must fate turn its back on me!!”)

Real Womyn Has Curves

“Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women”

“Sebenaqnya Seth…hang ni memang lawa. Memang cun. Tapi…” Aku tak mau habiskan ayat kebanyakan teman baik dan kenalan aku (contoh di atas adalah salah satunya, dituturkan dalam loghat utara yang pekat kondensitinya) yang terngiang-ngiang dekat kepala otak aku lewat kebelakangan ni. Aku rimas. And confuse, mostly. Walaupun bunyinya berbau pujian, dan mungkin jugak memberi anjakan pada motivasi diri aku tuk terus memulakan langkah ke fitness first, tapi ternyata, kenyataannya, aku terpaksa jalani hidup seharian dengan komen-komen sebegini – selagi badan aku tak berbentuk semacam yang mereka mahu imagine. ...aku rasa, aku agak bertuah dikurniakan dengan kebolehan membaca gerak-geri manusia. Dengan advantage tu, aku selalu dapat mengagak apa yang mereka fikirkan. Manusia ni, tak susah tuk difahami sebenarnya, kalau kita peka. Gerak geri mata. Lenggok badan. Pergerakan tangan. Itu semua, antara mekanisme untuk menyampaikan mesej mereka yang subconcious itu, more than consciously.

Aku pernah terbaca dari satu sumber yang aku tak ingat dari mana, tapi aku ingat ini - 75% of people who make jokes, mean what they say. Dan aku yakin itu benar. Hanya kau sendiri yang tahu apapun perasaan yang kau alami. Aku juga pernah menipu. Terpaksa meletakkan muka penuh manja dan berkata “You look great today” walaupun dia yang dipuji itu taklah secantik macam yang didefinisikan magazine² glossy Cover Girl. Tapi in my defense, pujian yang aku buat ada kebenarannya serta atas dasar respect, sebab dia telah berhabis ratusan ringgit untuk kelihatan dan merasa ‘sehebat’ itu. Point being, kalau pun kau mahu berlawak, memuji, atau berkata apa sekalipun - observe pada situasi. Andaikan teman kau seorang yang kurus, dan bercakap “I have a fat ass“ di depan kau yang gemuk, jangan tipu aku dan kata yang kau tak terasa. Kalau si kurus itu berbuntut gemuk, buntut kau yang dah sedia ada gemuk itu, apa pula gelarannya? For heaven’s sake, sometimes people can really be self-absorbed and drowned in their own pool of shiet! Jelikkan perangai manusia? Kadang-kadang, bila aku sendiri, aku selalu aja terpikir tuk melarikan diri. Tak kiralah ke mana pun sekarang ni, asal aku tak bertembung dengan mereka ni semua. Jauh dari semua yang aku kenal. Jauh dari semua yang buat aku mual. Lepas dua tiga empat tahun, berjumpa semula dengan makhluk² jengkel ni dengan perubahan yang mampu buat mereka tergamam, meliur dan terbeliak, bila melihat aku. Sumpah, aku nak buat macam tu. Jangan salah tafsir. Aku tak benci mereka ni semua. Sejelik-jelik diorang, mereka ni masih teman aku. Tanpa mereka, tak mungkin aku boleh hadapi hidup aku. Tapi sebagai manusia yang jauh dari kesempurnaan, macam aku, mereka ini terkadang berbicara (atau berkelakuan) tentang sesuatu yang mengingatkan aku pada benda yang buat hati aku yang besar ni, jadi sekecil otak burung unta. Aku maafkan mereka semua tapi... Uff!

enthralled

other than you, bubbles fascinate me

“You fascinate me.” You too.You have no idea. “I miss talking to you” Me too.You have no idea. We were made for each other, that night. I didn’t realize your doting face until I felt your fingers run through my hair and tucked it in, behind my ears. No words. There’s no need to. The moment freezed into the kind of atmosphere that I have never been able to feel eversince. Darkest hour turns into a misty morning breeze, as I held your hand close. In between the tranquility, I felt an enormous jolt. Loosing you is something unacceptable, unimaginable. In my head a voice kept on whispering ‘don’t leave me, don’t ever fucking leave me’. Yet you did. Now I don’t imagine you leaving me anymore. I just picture myself walking right beside you and we both have no idea.