Dua Kategori

“Ada dua jenis manusia kat dunia ni” dia memulakan bicara. “Dan dalam setiap jenis manusia tu pula, ada lagi dua jenis. Contohnya, kalau somebody sayang someone, ada dua sebab. Pertama sayang sebab duit. Kedua sayang sebab dia betul-betul sayang. Kalau kahwin pulak, sebab pertama mungkin kene paksa. Or kedua, sebab dia memang nak kahwin. Macam tu lah”. Yup. Welcome to real life, boss. Where choices spoils and can really makes you sick to your bones.

LETTER TO GOD

PELANGI JLN BKT KERAMAT

TUHAN, KALAU AKU SEMBAHYANG LIMA WAKTU, KALAU AKU BERHENTI MENGHIRUP NIKOTIN, KALAU AKU TINGGALKAN ZINA, KALAU AKU TIDAK LAGI MENEGUK AIR BASI, KALAU AKU MOHON AMPUN DARI SEMUA MAKHLUK YANG PERNAH AKU SAKITI HATINYA, KALAU AKU CAMPAKKAN NAFSUKU KE LAUT DAN HANYA TUNDUK DAN SUJUD PADAMU TUHAN... AKANKAH KAU TEMUKAN AKU DENGAN CINTA? AKU RAGU, KERNA... AKU PERNAH MELAKUKAN, MENUNAIKAN, MENJALANKAN, MEMPRAKTIKKAN KESEMUA DI ATAS DAN CINTA TINGGALKAN AKU. LALU AKU HARUS BAGAIMANA LAGI? YOURS, si.boolat.

AKU BUKAN COMEDIAN

HELPLESS.

AKU BENAR² RASAKAN ITU KALA INI - TERKUNCI DI LUAR RUMAH. SENDIRI. SETELAH LELAH SATU HARI SUNTUK MENCARI WANG UNTUK MENGEKALKAN GAYA HIDUP AKU YANG TAK TERKAWAL. DAN SEMUA HOUSEMATES PULA, SAMADA SUDAH TIDUR ATAU KELUAR MENIKMATI HIDUP. AKU DERINGKAN LONCENG PINTU SAMPAI JARI AKU BERDARAH. AKU GUNAKAN TEKNOLOGI TELEKOMUNIKASI TERKINI UNTUK BERHUBUNG. TAPI AKU TAHU, SAAT ITU, TAK SATU PUN YANG AKAN SANGGUP KORBANKAN TIDUR MEREKA, ATAU PUN MASA SANTAI MEREKA UNTUK DATANG MENYELAMATKAN AKU. SEBAB MEREKA BERHAK. PERKARA SEKECIL INIPUN, SEBENARNYA, SANGAT MAMPU UNTUK MEMBUAT HATI RAPUH AKU INI, PECAH. TUHAN, KAU MEMANG MAHA SEGALANYA DAN KAU JUGA SESUATU YANG HILARIOUS PADA AKU. DAN AKU HANYA MAHU KAU TAHU... YANG AKU AKAN TERTAWA PADA LAWAK JENAKAMU TETAPI TIDAK AKAN SAMA SEKALI MENGIBARKAN BENDERA PUTIH DAN TUNDUK PADA INI SEMUA. BOOHOO!

DEEP

PUTAR MASA

PERBETULKAN MASA LALU

AKANKAH HIDUP TAMBAH BEDA?

SEMULIA ITUKAH MASA?

ATAU MASA MAKIN KEJAM?

KALAU AKU PUTAR MASA

DAN PERBETULKAN MASA LAMPAU

ADAKAH TAKDIR AKHIRNYA MEMBERI BELAS?

PILIHAN HIDUP INI MEMBELIT

DAN YANG PASTI...

AKU TERJERAT DAN HAMPIR MATI DI TENGAHNYA.

holy coitus

out of nothing at all making love!~ remember that hideous song? well, I think Air Supply created that song for me, lastnight, and the other night. Hmm.

Dear F,

This is a tough letter to write. But I’ll give it a shot and I secretly hope this is worth it. From the very first time we met, I just knew we’d clicked. It was at that luncheon, between your management trainee batch, and mine where you approached each and everyone of us newbies and introduce yourself as ‘Hi, I’m Fxxxxxx’. At that point we weren’t establishing any communication. At least not memorable ones. Until one time, we decided to hang out. You were speaking about your past loves, and I was listening. It was at this moment that I realised we were redefining our friendships. Time moves like it always do and we entered into an arena named comfort. One time you hang out at my house. Then I hang out at yours too. It got so comfortable that the next thing I know, I was officially your housemate. It wasn’t easy moving into a whole new environment, but then there’s you, which I thought will help ease the transition, and you did. But life’s weird and twisted. You wish for the stars and you get shit. That’s just god’s way, I guess, to tell us that we learn nothing at all when we got it easy. Sometimes…sometimes when you want something so bad, you just had to put a fight. Like one time, I wanted to have a graphic novel that is to die for. I almost did die because of it. But I got it. I owned it. After long nights and days of not eating, of tears and struggle that seems so endless. And it was all worth it. There’s no word to describe that feeling in time, really. Our friendship is the same, F. I am sorry that things turns out messy when all I want is for us both to have a midpoint where we would both win. I am sorry I did what I did. I am sorry to make you feel what you feel. I am sorry that I had to put up a fight, like this. I don’t regret what happened, though. Because the thing with life is, it’s just like the concept of sound and light – where light travels faster than sound. Maybe consequences or fate approached us first in present, because we ought to find the reasoning later in our life. And the two, will always find each other no matter how far apart they were. So here I am, writing in this shit space, thinking that perhaps this is just one of those things that you had to pass by before you can finally know the reason. But, I wouldn’t want to just past by this phase. I at least want to go through this phase knowing that I’ve tried to make things better. And if I didn’t make it through, I’ll destroy all evidence, continue walking the road less traveled and hold on to the only thing I have left – myself.

Thanks for stopping by in my life. It was nice.

So long buddy.

si.boolat.

love & beauty's wiles IV

BLANKET (excerpts) by Craigory Thompson

Narrator: Ian, bawa aku keluar dari sini untuk mengorbit duniamu. Bawa aku jauh ke Paris sana untuk aku bolos ke dalam hati kau semula. Genggam tangan ini dan tarik ke dalam rangkulanmu. Biar dunia ini bingar dengan segala macam kekusutannya tapi kita, kita biar begini. Narrator: Ian, don’t leave. Flash. Soundtrack playing: ['A Waltz for A Night' by Julie Delpy] Let me sing you a waltz~ Out of nowhere, out of my thoughts~ (Hujan. Aku berlari mengejar. Dengan hoodie di kepala, lekas aku melangkah masuk ke dalam keretanya) Dia: Cantik rambut you. Aku: (Senyum kecil. Pandangan tepat ke matanya) Dia: So? Aku: Soo? Dia: Where are we heading, love? Aku: You can bring me to Iceland and I don’t care. Cos right now, nothing else matters but you. Dia: You sure? Aku: I’m drunk, can’t you tell?

Dia: Well, you've got to be the cutest most gorgeous drunken person I've ever known. Flash. (Teary eyed) Narrator: Everybody leaves, somebody told me.

love & beauty's wiles III

Narrator: It ends tonight. All this rampaging feelings. All this thinking. I’m not moving along, but I’m moving on. Past, you can go to hell. Present you can go to hell too, sometimes. Future, give it to me. The game is on. Flash. (Year 2006. Staring at photos on my wall. Taking it all out. Put in a big plastic bag. Take out DVDs, VCDs, and every memoirs of him. Put in a big fuckin’ plastic bag) SMS Aku: Beb, tomorrow. Bkt Beruang. Aku nak bakar semua barang-barang yang dia bagi aku. A: Oh? Okay. Aku: Yeah. Burn baby, burn. ..................................................................................................... Narrator: Aku dah tak tahu hari ni hari apa. Yang aku tau, aku dah bosan mempertahankan diri dan bosan dipermainkan orang. Bila pertahankan hak, orang kata kau cold, tak berperasaan. Bila kau biarkan orang lain jadi berkuasa ke atas engkau, kau di katakan push over. Dan dalam keadaan yang begitu, what the fuck are you supposed to do? Cari lelaki yang sanggup untuk mempertahankan diri kau dan segala yang kau percaya? Come on, this isn’t Disneyland's Fairy Fuckin’ Tales!

Narrator: Life, sometimes, desensitizes you. Love, please come back.

love & beauty's wiles II

Soundtrack Playing: ['Anyone Else But You' by The Moldy Peaches] We sure are cute for two ugly people~ (Current time. Driving on a highway. Wee hours. Puffing fags.Thousand yards stare. Glaring road lights. ) Narrator: He doesn’t have the greatest body in the world. His straight hair always goes sideways and pointing to every other direction. His tan skin showed some scars in some places. His eyes exude weariness. He smells like spices of summer. He listens to old school punkrock. He talks with no charisma but with ideas that shuts my mouth, everytime. He touches like an angle. No, there’s nothing good bout’ that at all.

He is only the greatest, most mesmerizing creature, I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I just wanna get this picture out of my head. Please, get the fuck out.

(Next Scene: love & beauty's wiles III)

love & beauty's wiles

Narrator: Ada satu kegilaan yang sedang berkeliaran di dalam hidup aku sekarang. Narrator: Gila. ..................................................................................... (Badan terdampar dan mata menghadap siling. Bilik kosong berhamparan biru. Pilot Speed ’Alright’ berkumandang. Asap rokok menari-nari di udara. ) Flash. (Di dalam kereta si H, mengharungi perjalanan ke satu tempat sekitar Melawati, terlihat kelibat seseorang yang - umumnya menggelar golongan ini sebagai ‘orang gila’, tetapi aku gelarkan golongan ini ‘self-absorbed’- Mata aku dan H memandang subjek yang sama. Di passenger’s seat, aku curahkan persoalan yang sudah berlegar di kepala untuk beberapa jenak kepada si H:) Aku: Babe…how do you think these people got so crazy? H: I can’t say I know how. But I do know they are swirling deep in their own world and never wanna come out, ever. Aku: (Diam) H: I think all of us are crazy in some ways. We just don’t go walking barefoot, picking garbage and still bathe, that’s all. Aku: (Masih terdiam) Flash.

.................................................................................. Narrator: Aku takkan lupakan conversation tu walaupun aku sudah banyak melupakan si H. Sudah hampir 1 tahun kami tak berhubungan, atas alasan yang aku tak pasti apa. Sebetulnya, aku sudah lama gila. Kadangkala, aku seolah tidak mahu bangun dari tidur akibat terlampau takut menghadapi realiti. Takut berdepan dengan hari-hari aku yang aku rasa semakin lama semakin hilang nilainya. Aku juga takut untuk menghadiri kebanyakan majlis perkahwinan teman-teman akibat anxiety attack terhadap masa depan aku, yang aku terlampau tidak tahu untuk dikongsi dengan siapa. Aku juga pernah lakukan sesuatu di masa lalu (atau mungkin juga kini) yang aku pasti karmanya akan datang untuk memberi come back yang dahsyat. Aku takut. Soundtrack Playing: ['Alright' by Pilot Speed] Tonight I lack the strength to even move ~ Narrator: Tapi, dalam ketakutan dan kegelapan ini, aku terlihat satu cahaya. Satu, bintang terang. Flash. ..................................................................................... (Perbualan telefon, bersama Dia, 3 tahun lepas yang terasa seperti 100 tahun. Aku duduk menghadap balkoni, with thousand litres of tears.) Dia: What do you feel about me, after I left? Aku: (Diam) Dia: (Diam) Aku: You pernah tak…terjaga dari tidur yang lena gila, sebab you rasa macam nak terjatuh dari tempat yang sangat tinggi? Or mimpi you ada dekat satu tempat tapi tak ada orang langsung dekat situ? Dia: Pernah (Suara lemah) Aku: There. Itu perasaan I bila you blah. Terkejut dan sangat takut dan terlampau sunyi. Still is, by the way. But what do you care? Flash.

(Next Scene: love & beauty's wiles II )