Aku tengok talk show of that famous O, malam tadi.
Dalam episod tu, O berbicara pasal law of attractions. Dalam case study topik itu pula, seorang perempuan ni buat confession, on how the law of attraction berjaya ubah hidup dia. She took out two glasses and a bottle of wine, when she found out that her husband just got fired. Few days after, her husband got another job which pays double his previous paycheck.
Hmm,bole ke gitu?
Budak ini hanya ada 28 batang gigi.
Sejak beberapa menjak ni, aku sudah mula kerap menerima pujian-pujian dan panggilan dari nombor-nombor ganjil yang membangkitkan semangat aku untuk terus memecah lemak, dari orang yang aku samada bercakap kurang dari 5 minit dengan mereka atau orang yang memang aku tak pernah kenali langsung. Itu petanda bagus. Itu juga antara cebis-cebis kegembiraan yang tinggal untuk aku dalam pada masa otak aku ribut macam sekarang.
Aku appreciate perkara tu. Tapi yang ini...perasaan yang lagi satu ni..yang dari dalam. Yang buat kau bermenung seorang tengah-tengah malam di balkoni. Yang buat mulut kau menguap tapi mata tak lelap. Yang buat kau jadi motionless dan emotionless. Yang, pendek kata, buat kau mental. Perasaan ni amatlah tak best, ya.
Terus, malam tadi, aku telah attempt untuk membuat posisi mustahil (bagi orang obese tahap ke-3 macam aku ni, that is) - kaki ke atas, kepala ke bawah. I tried that for half an hour. That resulted in me getting my body sustained against the wall for like...5 seconds. Sure, I was far from succeeding, but hey, it distracts. Which is exactly why I did it at first. For a while that uneasy feeling was gone. Wonder what I'll do tonight. (Translation: Wonder what does it takes to make myself real happy)
*Atau haruskah aku join The Biggest Loser Asia yang audition-nya Sabtu ini di Fitness First, The Curve?
Aku setuju dengan seorang makhluk dalam video ni, bila dia kata dengan berseloroh "I've been in love once..and it feels like nothing else". Aku boleh potong jari dan katakan dia pernah kenal sama Cinta. Kau pula? Aku tahu sukar, jadi ambil masa sebanyak yang kau mahu. Asalkan kau ingat kembali dengan tepat pertama kali kau semua rasakan perasaan yang satu ini. Kemudian, boleh kongsi dengan aku. Kalau kau malu memaparkan komen untuk tatapan umum, emel aja bluweebo (at) gmail (dot) com. Aku mahu lakukan sesuatu dengan komen kamu semua. With credits, of course. :)
The sky is grey but I'm dancing. Photo by Betty
To envision to others what I have in mind is an elusive concept. It's like finding the starting point on every thread of paint of Pollock's art. My mind on the other hand is like a balloon, inflated to its optimum, bursting and shrinking like a piece of unwanted blouse that doesn't fit anymore.
The pieces don't fit here anymore. Oh, sure Mr Morrison (James)!
Yes, these pieces of memories and experiences doesn't fit in my life, anymore. What I've been doing everyday seems almost completely antithetical to what I want. The moment I think I almost got it, I'll hit with a miss. Bungee jumping into my past only aggrandize the fact that I've never really changed. Or I guess I can't. I can't be selfless. I can't afford to be selfish either. I can't be free cos' I'm working for a dictator and I live in a planet where money rules. I'm trapped in a timespace where the hours felt like water dripping from a leaking pipe, and the years flash by like rocket in the sky. In this condition, it's hard for me to be anything.
So I ran away. Anywhere in the opposite direction of my current spheres. Away from familiar objects and faces. To a humble home, of clarity and peace. Though that doesn't improve the decipherability of the mess I'm in, still, my heart rests better. I've regained consciousness through endless uninterrupted sleep. I managed to pick up those pilot pens and started writing and doodling again in my teeny pink moleskin. I don't write long notes anymore. I go direct to the pain (or the little wonders). And that's all good, for now.
Tomorrow?
I'll drive (soon cycle) to work. Smoke those Saempornas without guilt. See those faces again. Deal with assholes, again. Text the good samaritans and find that little wonders along the way. Get smiles from strangers and count compliments I get from strangers, whichever is higher. Drive home. Have a long fraganced bath, sing 'you have never been in love, until you see the sunrise thrown over smashed human bones', make my bed, rest my head, play that portrait I love so much in my head again and again, and... hoping..Hoping I'll find that thing, just once more. Someday.
As long as I keep living.
...to just sit on your fat ass up on the balcony and look down while judging others. So damn easy,fuckers.
*Betty, jangan marah aku letak gambar ni! Can't help it!
Aku, tak lagi rindukan dia macam dulu. Dalam jurnal² yang aku coretkan di buku dan catatan² halimunan di dinding tandas, ayat² nya tidak lagi berbaur depresi mengenangkan ketiadaan-Nya. Sebab aku keluar menghadapi dunia, aku angkat kaki yang berselulit ini untuk mengorak langkah, aku bertemu orang² yang dah lama terasing, aku ringankan mulut berbual dengan manusia yang aku paling tak jangka dan aku, si gemuk yang kini dah turun 4.5 kg ni... Sangat yakin, yang ketiadaan dia itu adalah lebih baik.
Just stay away from me.
Franck Juery's Winterballad
There, he sat on his wheelchair, looking swell in a dark suit and not an ounce of misery in his face. He's looks good, the Managing Director of a company he inherited and he said things like "Beautiful" while looking into my eyes.
Highlights of my day.
aurora borealis
He watched me, with a smile on his face. I reciprocated, and then he prompted the question:
The Unknown: Are you married?
si.boolat: Do I look married?
The Unknown: No, that's why I asked. For confirmation.
(Giggle, giggle, giggle. Lift opens. We both stepped in. He continued.)
The Unknown: So have you ever been in love before?
(Heart yelled why lord why!)
si.boolat: Yes and got my heart broken.
The Unknown: Dear, no one can break you, cos' they don't make you.
Gulp. Lift opens. He smiled and stepped out. I'm dazed.
Maybe he's an angel in disguise. Or maybe his lips just know how to move.
It doesn't matter, does it? He shuts my mouth for once.
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